Xiang Ni

So long no write to my bloggy le!!! Finally got some time and sit down here to write down my past few experience le loh… A trip from taiwan really not bad!!! Kinda fall in love with taiwan, but the air pollution over there is a bit bad… I really wanna go abroad after i have my own career sia… Maybe going alone ba… I think i am getting more use to going out alone le, even go tour i wish to go alone also… Now a days i dont really feel like going out with friends le ba… Everytime go out will waste a lot of money, think i should control a bit ba… Doesnt mean i anti-social ba… Cause lately feel a bit low in moral… Starting to get use to be alone at home and do things a lone le ba… When on board the bus or outside with many people i really feel very scare, partly because i am  scare of girls and guys le ba… Starting to see things differently ba… Dunno why, i really scare of girls more and more, dont really wish to stand beside a girl or lady loh… Haizzz… Why i scare of guys is because i found some guys when come to work very selfish ba… Haizzz… When i saw this happening i start to feel scare, scare almost so many people ba… They are all alike, even i will become like that one day ba… I hope one day i can just get away from all this and isolate one place ba… All this 23yrs i always feel so scare, although i am facing all the problems on my own, i dont feel quite that sad afterall… Cause i learnt quite a lot, i didnt give up on learning, but i think i just control myself to be so depress some times… Haizzz… Its just like when u start to be nice to ppl they eat u, but if u scold them, they wanna get back at u… What can u choose? Maybe this is wat they are meant to be like ba… I think mostly because i must be more concentrated in my own work than to bother about other ppl wat they do ba… Time have change le ba… Or maybe i am the one being hold back by time? Ha ha ha…Come to think of it i really hope either i be a monk or go help out for the ppl who are in need, maybe that is wat i should do ba… Maybe i can find my answer there too… I just feel so scare for all this 23yrs of life ba…. I dunno who to look to, even i have many friends or nice, i dont think i dare to tell them wat i really feel like right now… I feel so childish when i really break down in front of all my friends and whatsoever… Maybe i still have the thinking of a man who dont like ppl to see my cry when i am at the exetreme down period ba… Maybe thats part of my ego or principle ba… Anyway i wish i can be happy and make others happy one day… Jia you loh…

Another Sunday has just gone by like that… Cant imagine my nightmare is slowly coming to an end… And very soon i will be out of my camp and mostly will be out in this world to find a suitable job and fight my way thru my life ba… Time really flies by so fast that we instantly lost the count of what daily life we went thru… I hope now and in future i will cherish every little things i did wrong and right, right at this moment… Wondering why this world is so funny and why are all of us acting our own movie… As everyone has each and different kinda of story… Why cant i have a different kinda of story in my whole life? Maybe i have too much show animation and fairy tales ba… I am looking forward to a kind of wonderful and perfect life and story that will happen to my life… Just like in animation u can create a character who is handsome, tall, caring, loving, understanding and patient. Such character with a beautiful wife and a happy family, with a handsome son and beautiful daughter… It is always able to be seen in animation and stories that human being create… In real life there is no such things happening ba… Such realistic yet cruel world we are in, its hard for such person to be around… I wish i could be like this character but the fact that being good like the character u will attract ppl who will take advantages of u… Then patient counts in the roll of such character ba… But waking up in the morning u will realise that god is fair to us all that each and everyone of us will have a default imperfect side of a human being… We have to learn and accept the fact we are imperfect and life still has to move on… Even i wanna regret or grumble my life thru i will only give myself more trouble… Why not put in ur best effort to do wats good and stay consious about what u are doing? When u know by doing good deeds, u will gain more happiness and less worries… Like in the comic i once read… Smile when ur sad and it will eventually drives ur sadness away… Although u know ur lying to urself but it serves as a good purpose for urself… As how much stress or how busy u are, when ur free, u also have to find ways to occupied urself as others are equally busy as u are… By disturbing them u only make urself more boring… If u open ur eyes and look around u… There are still ppl who r poorer, more pity and more suffering than u… Why not put ur life devoated to helping ppl and make them happy at the same time u will feel happy too… If u feel lonely and wanted a true friend, just hold on and be patient, god will eventually arrange a nice friend to ur aid… No matter wat it will be a test to everyone who has the patient to wait for the right friends or member to appear… This is life… U have to make an effort for it, siting  in a corner to cry or stone wont bring u anywhere… And when the fated friends or ppl appeared make sure u cherish every moment with them… It will serves as a wonderful memories when u grow older… When nobody is around to encourages u, u still have the memories to push u to go further into the next junction of life… We do feel stress at time but its a natural things in us, just dont take it in heart and relax for awhile… Things will turn out to be fine, even if ur stress it doesnt mean it is the end of ur life… From wat i know is just be urself and work hard, its a pay off when u know u work hard for something… And being urself brings out ur special character, cause no one can replace who u are… Cause the only person that is unique is the person who lives to his own desires… But not to the extend to do bad things… I admired ppl who have their own thinking and their own liking, it brings out a different special indiviual… Just be urself and stay happy as always, even when ur alone or sad, just remember to smile, it will drives all worries away… Jia you!!! Wat i need to know is to remind myself wat i have to write to myself to know… I will improve… I will try… Although in times i may be acting weird or bad to others, the heart inside will never lie… Jia you!!!

Yesterday Friday i am about to go home to relax after a hard day at office. Halfway out my Major called me to ask me about the finance… I suck thumb have to go back to office and wait for him to come back. Even though its his responsibility to guide me in finance he just want me to do it on my own. Scolded as in the past, i did what i could to do as he wish and get things done… But now i have this unreasonable and stubborn Warrant… He dont wanna give us chances to explain and he only talk of his cock and bull story from morning 8.30am to 10am… He is actually wasting our time… He as a stubborn Warrant, dont like to get scolding from the upper level…. But actually sometimes the Major and above personal just wanna make things clear with him… If he think he is being scolded by them who the hell care about him… Its not my problem, He is paid $3000+ for his rank of work and i am just an NSF who only get $560 for a service SGT… I have been burning OT to get things moving, while he says he is busy, actually from what i witness is he check email complain here and there, when he is free he talk to his wife… Basket he really makes me angry… He like to ask us to help him to do this and that, but his job he knows the importance that he cannot afford to make mistakes, but he still asked us NSF to do… U know wats more, seens he knows we are not to the level of doing his worked then he should jolly well do his fucking job on his own… If we really make mistakes he should not also scold us and talk long story of his experience… We cant do and we are not at that level means we cant… No, Nothing and Full Stop… If he is my father i will straight away tell him in his face and ask him to Fuck Off… U choose to sign as an army personal then dont grumble at us… We are force to serve the Country we will serve and fuck off… The ways to make us feel army is a good place to stay is the regular and the people in the army… If they dont jolly well do it, it is not our problem… As he always complaint his bull shit family problems, so fuck off… We NSF also will have our own family problems, and if we are doing our best in the job i dont see why the regular cannot sit still and do their highly paid job? Even i wanna have an interview with my Warrant and Major they will never gets things meet the ends… If they wanna use their rank to pressure on us we will have no say in anything also… What are we? NSF and lower rank than them… I hate it whenever my warrant get scolded and he take me as a anger bin, this is an unreasonable thing to do, after i have break down he called to apologies, Fuck it, i wont take the apologies as can he proves he will not do it again? When he can do it at me, i cannot ensure that he will not do it again… This is a mental tortured and its unreasonable management… I will not tolerate his own selfish action on NSF who really put in effort… He just sucks and i really look down on him as a regular and a warrant officer… He will never be respected by me ever again…

Ha ha ha… Finally another week is coming to an end soon… I have been worrying and stressing about the work i am doing for quite long liao le… So the stress… But lately sleep very early sia… Dunno what kinda of future i will be in… It seens i am starting to si guan the kinda of working stress right now… Starting to get on track loh… Not bad sia… A bit happy la… But still will feel stress because got many things to do loh… When approaching women in the army side i very very scare sia… Even i have to talk to them, i can feel the pressure when i am talking to them sia… As usual ba… so scare of ladies and girls… The same old fear ba… Wanna run away but have to hang on there… Haizzz… Ha ha ha… Today my boss say i am very innocent in doing whatever things in the army… And that being innocent i will get myself into trouble loh… Am i really that innocent type of person? Haizzz… Maybe i am really innocent and very out dated in some ways ba… Sound so tu sia… Ha ha ha ha… No wonder nobody will want me loh… Ha ha ha ha… Trying to laugh while i am sad or low mood ba… Think i am starting to get use to a lot of things le wo… Ha ha ha… Think when i go out to work i can have a complete change ba… Jia you loh… Be more cheerful and treats other people nicer oh~! Ha ha ha… Hmmm… Sometimes i think i just need to really put in some confidence to do some task loh… Just hope one day i can be a perfect friend ba… Although now i sucks to core la… Ha ha ha… Jia you loh… Hmmm… Thinking about my coming operation i a bit scare also sia… Haizzz… How neh? Told my friends le… But i still think its hard for me to get myself to relax well ba… I will try… I will try… I promise… GtG again sia… See ya Bloggy!!!

Today is 19/02/2006 Sunday loh… Now writing at 11pm like that… Feels very sick… Think i am over stress because of my work in NS ba… I cant sleep well and this afternoon chest pain again… Lasted for the whole 3hours like that… Haizzz… Dunno why like that… Think body going to break down to max liao… Think if die le also not bad ba… Life is so miserable for me… Why cant i be evil or bad? Haizzz… Still sticking to the wanna be good kinda of behaviour… Dunno can last forever anot… Haizzz… Feels so low mood today… Bored plus no money le… No mood to laugh much also today… Wanna sleep early also find it hard… Now having a bit of headache… Hope i can get through all this stress… I wanna cope well with it but yet difficult… Haizzz…. Today also have a very weird feeling loh… Kinda miss my good friend and i just feel so sad about it… Weird feelings for her and growing… I dunno why… But i hope i wont let her feel so uneasy about it… Why do i miss her? Why do i feel so lost? Why is it that i cant stop all this feelings? Haizzz… Sound very bad sia… Am i really going to break down or just fall sick? Depress again ba… Just like yesterday i watch the channel 8 show… Perfect lover… I will always like her on my one sided feelings and from last time, now and future… To her i am just like the show says, we r like owner and pet de weird feeling ba… I think i cannot like her because of some reason and yet i only have feelings for her… Makes me feel so confuse… I just wish to be by her side forever ba… As long as she is happy ju hao le… Ha… Headache now… Think i go sleep liao le… Byee boggy!!

Ha ha ha… Today is Valentine’s Day!!! Maybe to many couple its a very very happy day, but for me is just as usual as ever… Nothing much on a Valentine’s Day… Dont really look forward to it… Ha ha… Can guess that many couples will be enjoying their Valentine’s Day now ma… Now as usual i sit in front of my computer playing games update things here and there… I starting to realise most of the guys and girls this days are having more than one partner at a time… Sounded a bit scary for me loh… Maybe i am a bit stupid maybe i am just too Naive ba… For me i still believe in liking one person and only love deeply for one person only ba… Although i hope to be a perfect guy for my future gf la… But it will never happen ba… How to be perfect when i am always making mistakes being idiot in front of others… Maybe thats how i am ba, just a failure… Ha ha ha… Today what did i do neh? Valentine’s Day going to Hospital see my review and found out i mighthave to go for my shoulder operation… Sound scary loh… Well mightbe a bad news for me, but it is good news that i know wat really is happening to my shoulder loh… Now update at this hour 7.23pm watching the korean show Paris Lover… Actually this show not bad sia… I start to watch it one fine day when i am a bit bored… Now i am hooked loh… Miss a few times due to my army work lately, so sad… I think i am starting to feel like and understanding how some girls are like ba… Sometimes i do something that feels like a girl like that… If my guys friend knows that, they sure laugh at me till they cant stop it sia… My friends that i know sometimes are nice nor, but to some extend they are guys neh, still will be a bit Ta Nan Ren Zhu Yi loh… But its ok neh… I understand de… I just hope friends i know wont be so unreasonable then ok le… Ha ha ha… Sometimes i do feel scare of some friends, dunno if they are really good or bad loh… But i still will treat them nice… Haizzzz… Valentine’s Day… To me is always a first experience in everything ba… I just feel so si bai in all my whole life… I wish i can do things correctly and be able to be more independent loh… One day i really wanna go to a far away places to start all over again, but in my whole life there will never be too many 2nd Chance ba… Many ppl has been telling me about getting a gf, but i really dont wanna hear anymore of this le… I am just too scare and not the kind of person who will be like by any girls nor… I think i will just screw up anything de ba… Just wait for the right feeling ba… If dont have ju dont have ba… I am just a simple guy who wanna be nice and perfect to friends… Its very hard but i am trying slowly… I am just a lonely and useless person after all… Although many nice friends encourages me nor… Haizzz… I feel like giving up sometimes… I tried but always failed… Sometimes i just wanna say goodbye to myself and quickly end this story of mine… My story is a failure person in life ba… Ha ha ha… Bye bye~!

Ha ha… After a 2 day struggling in camp, got very very very depress on the first day… Which is the monday blues… Haizzz… Scolded by my major again… He sometimes like to question me a lot of things which i dunno loh… Then nvm… I am still new for the finance closing year… Things that i dunno means i dunno… I am not taught and its not like i no comment sense la… Cause i really dunno nuts about finance from the start, no point scolding a NSF who dunno shit about finance loh… Haizzz… Dunno wat my major is thinking also… The older they get and the more stress they have they are like bad temper person… If i am so call lao jiao in finance and he scold me i really dont mind loh… But i just feel very sad about it… Here i am trying my best to solve the problems and do their work for them, there they just scold u upside down… Haizzzz… Army, is it that army has change into a place where business starts and falls quickly? Its look like a stock market to me nor… If the SAF found out that my major did not really do the finance properly wat will he think? If i didnt do properly i will also get it… So why is it my major cant at least spare a thought for me? Hiazzz… Anyway the scolding is over… Today i am getting more and more serious with my work le ba… Jia you loh… I know i will be alone in finance but asking people for help is always the best solution i had right now… Ok nvm… I dont wish to talk about it le neh… Today finally can come home and have a very very good rest for awhile le wo… So happy… But now my back is aching to the max… Later got to stick the salom bandage liao le… Sad… I am getting old liao… Very young only i have back ache problem… Hope it will get better tomorrow morning loh… Ha… Today at home still have to help my boss check out for stuff to buy on the net… Hopefully i can finish it ASAP loh… Really damn tired for 2 days loh… Haizzz… Scolding really helps sia… Starting to immune to it liao le… Maybe i learn a lot everytime i kan na the scolding ba… Ha… I read a comic called "One Piece" talked about a girl called robin… Inside the story she suffered a lot and whenever she is sad and wanna cry she remembered a man as her mother’s friend, he told her no matter wat or how sad she is, she must smile and laugh… I saw it i wanna cry because the whole story very touching… Because while u suffered all this while one day u will find someone or some friends who will really treat u as a friend or someone who will stand by ur side ba… So maybe i will start to learn how Robin did loh… Ha ha ha… End here ba… Byeeeee Bloggy!!

Hi Bloggy!! I am bac at home at last!!! Struggled for like 1 whole weeks sia… Scolding is all i get… Now i start to understand how the finance worked… But when i am following the directive its seens like my boss is not happy with it… I try my best to resolve it by talking to people who is higher rank than me to make him understand but they are just equally ignorance to me… Now i have been scolded for this and that… Its like an endless scolding from the top level people… I feel so tress and hurt some how… I cant sleep well at night and i am always very worried about what i am doing… I know they are worried like me… But i am at the edge of being poked by a knife… I am always burnt like nobody busniess sia… Haizzz… Now finally can tell my blog how i feel liao… Feel so relax and settle down… Ha… I finally get to rest… Tears almost roll downs in camp cause i just cant give up like that… What never kill me will always makes me more experience and strong ba… Jia you ba… In life is like that ba… Maybe the tian zhen and the kinda of kids happy ending is just not in this world anymore… The world has changed into something very stressful and people are always busy ba… Haizzz… Sometimes works really can kill me, but when come to resting times i am always not busy loh… Think when i learn more in life, i will have a even clearer look in this world… Haizzz… Now i alone have to tackle like 5 people who is new and dangerous people to me ba… I am like going crazy, cause 5 people to me i  am still new, i dont know how they really wants things to be done, sometimes communication between is broken and i will be the centre man being arrowed… Haizzz… Help me blog!! What can i do? Staying in camp i am always looking at the calender and counting down to my ORD date… I just hope after the worst will bring me sunshine ba… Sometimes i really wish i am just a soul or sipirt that wonders the earth enjoying the scenery… It feels so free and comfort nor… Now i am like a bird, wings being taken away and can only walk about on the ground… Looking high up to the beautiful sky and deep inside feeling the pain of not able to reach it and enjoy it… Haizzz… Write until as if i so jialat le loh blog… But maybe just wanna say wat i feel right now to release my stress ba… Cause my dearest blog ill listen to me le ba… Cause i will not disturbed my friends loh… So happy to be back at home typing to my blog and nagging at my blog ba… Cause my blog will never complain to me de neh… Ha ha ha… Sorry blog!!! Just endure with it!!! Let me relax ba!!! Oh ya… Better check with my blog, cause heard from xiao si mei says here the friendster will send email to my friends to alert them that i update my stuff… Basket better not let that happen again loh…

Hi Blog! Today is Sunday and i am always resting at home on this days… Wondering why i am writing again? Maybe i feel so lonely at home ba… Cause no money in bank liao… Promise to save a lum sum of money to get my bro his 21st Bday present and returning my mum her money she lent me… Ha ha ha… I hope i have a doggie right beside me now… Cause dog is a human best friends, when i feel down i can play with it and talk to it… Maybe doggie will understand wat i says but maybe not… Ha… I am always wondering why am i so silly in liking others and yet the ger will never like me neh? I dunno ba… Maybe i am just the last guy in this whole world who is like that ba… When i heard that the ger has a bf why do i feel sad? Why do i feel lonely? Why do i feel so left out? Why do i feel so empty? Haizz… I am still a human ba… Feelings are still not be able to control by our own sia… I wish so much so as i will not have a heart as a human… At least without a heart i dont feel sad or lonely, or maybe i will not love anyone or hurt anyone ba… Sometimes when i turn around to look for my friends, they are always busy enjoying or busy with gf or busy with their own things, yet i will be struggling on my own to look for peace… Well we cant really depends on others anyway… But i feel very scare when all my gd friends one day will never remember me, because of being with their spouse loh… Maybe i choose a path where my life is destiny to be a loner and a single person… Walk my life alone and working alone, struggling alone, happy alone, living alone and watching tv alone… Why all this emptiness will devour me? I dont really think so much, but one day i see it coming… Now i cherish the moment i am having cause soon the dearest people i know will be gone… I will continue to move on into the future… I heard once that says that we people tends to abuse the beautiful moment we have now and cherish it when its gone… I hope all my friends i knows are not like that… I am planning on going somewhere one day, i hope when i am gone my friends wont feel anything missing in their lifes… Actually for me i think the presents of me and the absents of me will not make any different… When i know i am not in singapore, i may not expect anything from anyone ba… Maybe i am just fated ba… So i am trying to live my life to the fullest ba… Well i had many good and nice memories with my friends… I will take it with me to a new plain when that day comes… I just thank them for giving the happiest moment… When i am gone for my studies or my work abroad, i might return or might not ba… I just hope and mentally prepared that no one will really finds me important ba… Ha ha ha… From then onwards maybe i will be able to take care of myself and be able to control all my feelings and solve problems on my own ba… And that ger i felt so deeply in love with, i will like to let her know that no matter how much she would hurt me or bully me or whatever, i dunno why but i still like her… I just hope she can find a gd guy to be with, although i really hope to be with her… Maybe my life is just a failure from the start… I just have to hold on tight to myself and fight my way through on my own… I will still be reminded that she is always behind me encouraging me de… Cause she already lives in my heart and i cant shake her off my heart… I tired but i failed to get her off my heart… Sorry… Maybe by then while i am abroad going for my dreams, u will never remember me again ba… Cause i never wanna ask her how she feels about me, so i think she just wont like me ba… Ha… Write so much again… Write until like going to die like that… Hope when i am able to come home after my dreams i can read my own blog againa and laugh at it ba… Ha ha… End here le ba… Jia You…

Ha ha Finally today i can go home slp le loh… Yesterday stayed in camp cause we can only go home late… Haizzz… I dunno wat happen loh… I just dont like the way my boss ask us to do things… Everyday he will be grumbling about there is a lot of things to do… But in fact what he does is only go for meeting, read eamil, reply email and decide who do this who do that. I dont see him really do anything… While i at the back struggling to get my finance things to be correct, he keep pushing me for deadlines… Who can help me? I am being arrow by him to do finance but in fact i am like being arrow to cover his ass when things goes wrong… No assistance no understudies… i am alone doing finance, and how can i do the right things and finish my work? What kinda of law is that? Who can help me? Haizzzz… I really starting to dislike army… They are just like a place where they push work around… Even if i wanna get things right, i will find myself in a stressful situation… Now my whole body is aching, i never complain while i do my guard duty and yet go back office to work… I didnt even ask for any off, but i get a lot of scolding… Who can officer level person do such a things? Finance is not my best or do i study finance in poly loh… Then in army finance is something of a officer level to due with… I have no authority to do anything when it comes to handling with funds… I dunno wat i can do, all the people are telling me that i am merely a NSF wat can i do? I am only 2mnths and 2 weeks new in the unit… My upperstudy going to ORD and i dont have much guidiance and all the while i do wrong i learn from the mistakes… Its a tough challenge but i am can be consider as a person who is 50/50 in knowledge of doing finance stuff loh… From a pure trained engineering person to army technician i can say the 1st mnth my mind is technician stuff… To let me adjust to a totally stranger subject i might take some times… Wat else… I am mentally force and pushed by a lot of people… I dont scold people doesnt mean i wont get mad… i dont want because its a challenge for me to tolerate and learn to change better… Haizzz… Wat can i do? Help la… Haizzz… I hope she is the only person in my mind that can push me thru all this insane torture… I dont wanna tell her my this crazy problems loh… Cause she should have her own problem ba… I just wish to see her happy and smile everyday ba… Dont wanna her to worry for me this gd friend… Although how bad i am this situation i still wish her my most zi xin de friend, just like her name… Wish her happy and gd luck even i am so busy with troubles… Jia you ba…